It can be difficult to navigate relationships and boundaries when it comes to living arrangements, especially when it involves friends. It’s important to remember that everyone has different boundaries and comfort levels when it comes to sharing living space, and it’s okay to say no if it doesn’t align with your own needs and wants. A man recently found himself in this quagmire when his friend wanted to move in with him along with his fiance.
So I am 28M, and my friend ‘Tom’ is 29M, and his fiancée ‘Kat’ is 31F. Recently, Tom and Kat have come into financial issues, and are unable to pay for their rent. As it stands, they can either move in with Kat’s parents, who live roughly 2 hours away, or they can move in with me, until they find another place to rent.
Now, they would rather move in with me. I live alone in a 3 bedroom house, so I have the space. It would be easier for them as they can stay near our other friends and close to Tom’s work. There’s also a lot of parks nearby so Kat can talk her dogs for walks.
That’s all well and good for them. However, the idea of living with someone, let alone two people, does not sit well with me. I have one bedroom where I sleep, the other two bedrooms are my home office and my library. Furthermore, I love the feeling of coming home to an empty house. Everything is as I left it, and I can properly unwind. Also, living alone makes it easier to bring girls over.
While he refused to let them move in with him he was also left with a feeling of guilt and was wondering if he did the right thing. So he turned to the internet and asked the members of a Reddit group called Am I The A**hole if he was an A**hole for not letting his friend and his fiance move in with him.
So I told Tom and Kat this, and they were not happy. They called me selfish for not sacrificing for them. They said a true friend would help. So I told them the blunt truth. I would be happy to help Tom. He works full time and would respect my space. But I did not want Kat to live with me. Reasons being; she doesn’t work, so she would be in my home much more than me. Her dogs are inside dogs, and I don’t want that at all. Kat breaks down crying at this point and calls me evil. I apologise to Tom and I tell him he knows my stance.
So, AITA for not letting my friend and his fiancée move in?
Here are some of the responses he received from people on Reddit:
NTA they are. You don’t owe anyone a place to live. And honestly I would never, ever let them stay even temporary. Kat seems like the person who would make you evict her to get her out once she gets her claws in. OP I would never under any circumstances let them live with you. And no one is entitled to the peaceful home you have created and pay for.
NTA. Tom and Kat aren’t looking for a place to stay for a couple of weeks in an emergency, they’re looking for a long-term place to live. They got kicked out of their old place because they couldn’t pay the rent. They’re not magically going to be able to afford to rent a new place.
NTA. Kat can go live with the friends who are saying you’re an AH. Easy fix
NTA. A buddy wanted to stay at my house just before the pandemic started I said no. He’s a partier who does drugs and not very clean. He wouldn’t take no for an answer so I told him straight up. Haven’t talked to him since but I dodged a huge bullet as he ended up being an anti-vaxxer and I would’ve been stuck with him throughout a global pandemic he was denying existed. It’s your house and if you gotta be mean you gotta be mean.
NTA Kat isn’t desperate enough to work to help herself live in an apartment, so why should you be uncomfortable to allow her live in yours? As you said, Tom puts up with her sitting at home, not helping the household, but it doesn’t mean you need to also support her. It’s not negative to point out what is actually happening.
You didn’t lie, you weren’t mean.
You simply refused to house someone who wasn’t going to pull her weight.
NTA They don’t get to decide that their friend gets to “sacrifice” for them. If they had just taken your “no” and not tried to push past it, I don’t think you would’ve been so brutally over-honest with Kat.
NTA. Guard your castle. Put up a moat if necessary. They both sound pretty childish, especially Kat.
NTA you don’t owe them a thing. Friends close to Kat are telling you this because they probably don’t want her living with them. It’s always easy to criticize. Why don’t these extra friends pull together a pot for them of finanical funds to help them through a month? Why does this help just go to the guy with two extra bedrooms? It’s easier to point the finger at someone else then do the leg work themselves.
NTA. It’s your home, you can let anyone or no one stay. You don’t even need to give them an explanation.
NTA “I don’t want anyone else’s pets in my house”.
The fact Kat sounds like a lazy slob should be a wake up call for Tom.
NTA. It’s your house and you don’t need to sacrifice for them. You aren’t her 2nd boyfriend. She needs to get off her ass and get a job then maybe they could afford rent. Your friend is engaged to this person? What does he see in her?
NTA. However, I don’t think your comments about Kat were appropriate. It’s not your relationship so it’s not okay to tell her those kinds of things. The stuff you said about the dogs is fine, what you said about her being home more than you is fine. Questioning her commitment to Tom is not. Even if she is a shitty fiancé.
You don’t actually need to give any reason why you want to live alone, which is why the personal comments were even more unnecessary.
NTA, you don’t owe them anything. It’s there fault they can’t make ends meet. They need to figure out their living situation on their own
NTA they’ve been living with the ‘rents for a year now. If you had let them move in, that would have been you, a year later with unwanted house guests still living with you. You dodged a bullet.
NTA they’ve been living with the parents for a year now. If you had let them move in, that would have been you, a year later with unwanted house guests still living with you. You dodged a bullet.